Cautiously Pessimistic


The cynic in me just couldn't resist, so with your indulgence, I will do my utmost to see the pessimism in the world of art, politics, religion, science, etc, and remain cautiously pessimistic that no matter how bad things seem to be, they will invariably get worse!

MUSIC, CRITICS AND HYPOCRITS.

I finally understand why music critics get so much shit from people for expressing their opinions. It’s not because they don’t agree that such critics have a right to their opinions, it’s just that they don’t feel they should get paid for having said opinions. What, everyone is suppose to have a boring 9 to 5 job that they hate so much they want to nuke a small mid-western town? Some advice to the minions: Stop behaving like penis-envying assholes, turn on your computer and start typing your own goddamn reviews. Or, just do what I do and get yourself a blog. It’s cheaper than therapy, and it’s better than cursing out Robert Christgau and Rolling Stone magazine. Really now, don’t you feel foolish getting pissed off at a publication that hasn’t been relevant since Spiro Agnew was the vice president?

HILL THE SHRILL!

Now that it seems obvious that Barak Obama is starting to pull away with the lead in the Democratic primary race, Hillary Clinton has announced that she will take the fight all the way to the convention, regardless of what that may mean for the party’s chances of winning in November. Like I always say, if you can’t beat ‘em, hold ‘em hostage. And for those of you who still believe that Bill is actually trying to get his wife elected, here’s some food for thought. She still hasn’t forgiven him for Monica, and he’s about as anxious to be the First Man as I am about wearing a prom dress. Every time this guy opens his mouth on the campaign trail it’s a classic case of passive aggressiveness if ever I saw one. The GOP should rent him out.

AND GOD SAW THAT IT WAS, WHAT?

On the sixth day God created man, and then he rested on the 7th. On the 8th day he created evangelicals, hence the first example of a now age-old axiom: Quit while you're ahead! No, that wasn’t suppose to rhyme, I just needed to say it. And speaking of evangelicals, can Pat Robertson be any more marginalized than he already is? His endorsement of Rudy Giuliani for President had a shelf life of a quart of milk out in the sun, and all but guaranteed the former New York City mayor and 9/11 poster child a resounding defeat in the Republican primaries. Really, if we were smart we’d take him to Atlantic City and bet on everything he said would lose. We could donate the winnings to all the progressives out there. You know, the ones who haven’t lost their minds or think the world is six thousand years old like Mike Huckabee does. And, speaking of the good governor from Arkansas, he was recently quoted as saying there were only ten laws we really needed to observe: the ten commandments. I guess all those other laws and regulations, you know like the ones in the bill of rights, the constitution, and such, are just window dressing for the Philistines.

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH.

Why do supposedly intelligent people bother asking salesmen if they really need the item they are thinking about purchasing? Or if that item is really the best there is? What is the point? Hey shitheads, you’re asking people whose livelihood depends on you buying stuff from them to be the moral guardians of reason. What are you expecting to hear? “No put that down, you don’t need that, and while you’re at it, our stuff really isn’t all that good. Try down the block, they got some real good shit there!” The three universal lies that nobody should be shocked at hearing are as follows: “You look good in that dress, really,” “I can’t believe how big it is,” and “The sale ends today!”

CHUMP CHANGE!

I hear that mega millions is 220 million dollars. Loathe that I am at refusing wealth should it pass my way, I predict that the poor sap that actually does win this thing will, in all probability, be broke in five years. Power isn’t the only thing that corrupts absolutely. And speaking of going from the sublime to the ridiculous: Recently, Heath Ledger’s apartment went back on the market for a mere $25,000 per month. I’m sorry but I must protest. $25,000 a month for an apartment is obscene. Twenty two five, maybe, but I draw the line at twenty five. And besides, the parking is so scarce, where would I park my Bentley?